Anything for goiz?

So I wanted my “come back” post to be something deep and meaningful because I’m deep, brooding and intellectual like that B^) ..however , today’s topic popped up in my head and I knew this was a divine message and I had to share it . Yes, a divine message; I know this because this is the first day I’m fasting after the first 5 days of ramadan (was a bit ill) so whatever ideas and feelings I get today shall be attributed to my state of fasting and shall therefore be dubbed divine..

I’m not sure if you guys get what my topic is about from the title so let me enlighten you quickly before moving on. Well, my “divine idea” was how much guys are like police men. The most annoying guys that pester you are no different from the police officers that flag you down on a friday evening on your way back from work or school sef and ask you “anything for goiz” or “do weekend for goiz”. Take a second and process this.. Especially the girls (at least the fine one ๐Ÿ˜ ..iKid) ..think of how irritating it is when a totally random and obviously misguided guy comes to ask you if he can “be your special friend, love you till the end..” (Oh sorry, I drifted off into a p-square song there)..

Let me explain the correlation (hopefully this will make as much sense written as it does in my head โ€Žโ€‹ยฏ\..(โ€ขอก.ฬฎ โ€ขอก )../ยฏ. ) .. Hmmn .. You know those guys that only buzz you or hail you when you are looking extra fine or you put up a really hot or cute picture as your display picture on your bbm or avatar , they can be likened to the police men that bug you when they see you driving a really expensive looking car or wearing expensive looking clothing…The guys that say they’ll take anything they can get (police version: no amount is too small ..even money for coke is fine) .. the ones that’ll over-compliment you (police version: hailing you and calling you “shia man” “oga” “baba o!” “Boss” or telling you how pretty “shialady” is ) hoping that it’ll get to your head and you’ll momentarily have a lapse of good judgement and “give goiz something”. Are you starting to get the picture ?

The ones that piss me off the most are the ones that greet ME and ask ME for money (as long as you can’t see below my neck, there is no reason why you should think I’m above 20, so in the famous words of my idol Vic.O “why evils ?? ” .. This is the same way some dude that is clearly old enough for your parents to have a conversation about things in their generationwith will now come and be “toasting” you shamelessly .. Cammon !!! Do I look like I am desperate for a husband or like I have only 3 more eggs in my body ? ๐Ÿ˜ (ok, I’m sorry for that simile).

And of course there can’t be evil without good (this is clearly debatable because when you take Vic.O as a whole, we clearly see the bad but … ) ๐Ÿ˜ .. The same way there are crappy, overbearing , irritating, thirsty and desperate guys, there are the nice, decent, respectable. Responsible, hard working ones that give you breathing space and don’t kill you with their thirst .. Like those nice security officers you see working diligently under the sun everyday and you give them “something for weekend” out of the goodness of your heart because you can see how hard working and deserving they are. ^_^ (I feel all warm and fuzzy inside because I’m actually saying something nice ; this must be the effect of ramadan) .

I could go on and on but I don’t post long articles because of people that read my blog on their phones (I’m considerate like that *halo*) .. So if you guys have anything to add , subtract, comment on , do so ^_^ . Also let me know if this doesn’t make sense ๐Ÿ˜ ..Ramadan Kareem.X

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Hating

I just read a blog post by Tobi Williams that got me weeping from too much laughter .. The post was basically “a love letter” from “a very cool badt goiz” to a girl on facebook ..

This got me thinking about guys and girls that believe that they’re “ the shit” but actually aint shit. I wonder what they consume or are exposed to that gives them such an alarmingly unwarranted high level of self confidence. It makes no sense.

Should we blame their mothers ? “ monkey no fine but ‘I’m mama like am “.. This saying is the truest ever. When a mother loves her child, she loves him/her without reserve. She literally thinks the child is the best thing since platform shoes (for those of you who don’t know, platform shoes are high heeled shoes that have some kind of “platforms” in the front and these basically make the high heels well, not-high heels..its cheating but its beautiful .. God bless the creator of platform heels, you are my hero and you shall never lack) and doesn’t fail to remind the child of this on a daily basis.

Should we blame (on twitter) their followers ? All those sycophants that hang on to their every word and basically offer sacrifices to the gods when they get followed back or tweeted at by “Mr / Mrs awesome” ?

They are, ofcourse, the same people that have imaginary haters.. 86% of their tweets are about their haters and how they are all hating on their swag and can’t handle their freshness and always act like they don’t like their “pics (one picture :|)” .. The same “pics” that has a very unattractive girl with a belly larger than her bum wearing a jeans-gown drinking a bottle of big stout. ยฏ\..(โ€ขอก_ โ€ขอก )../ยฏ

Should we blame all those self help /inspirational books that tell us how we are the rulers of our own world and we shall be addressed based on what we think of ourselves? Maybe there should be a law banning such people from having access to these books. .. when the suspect wants to borrow the book from the library, the librarian’ll just say “I’m sorry, but you can’t take that , you’ve already got baggy jeans held by a “Mr.Biggs-belt” (you know those belts that words in red pass on the screen like all those Mr.Biggs menu things) and an extremely tight body hug shirt on … Oh my, is that a dirty bandana stuffed in your back pocket ?!? … You certainly can’t read anything that says you should accept yourself the way you are ๐Ÿ˜ ”

For me , its not the stupid and unbelievable things they do that get me its the confidence and cock-sureness with which they do these things that get me … Examples of some of these people = Lil’ B (please look for him on youtube) … Majela, Vic O.. Jim Iyke (music-wise) and all people with “haters”.

Comments and opinions shld be made known . *does peace sign* Swag out. X ๐Ÿ˜

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cray fish syndrome

Picture this: you have a function to attend tomorrow and you go to a store to buy a dress. There is a line up of dresses in a particular shop and you pick what you believe is the best one and purchase it for 60,000 naira ; its not what you had in mind .. Not even close .. It doesn’t quite fit and if given a choice, you wld have changed the colour . Atleast its better than nothing and it was the best you could have gotten given the circumstances .

You decide to go get some food in a complex and walk by a store and then you see it ; a shop full of dresses that completely overshadow yours .. They all look classier, more appropriate for your function and then you spot it; the PERFECT dress , just-above-the-knee length, monostrap (with a large well constructed bow as the arm) , royal blue , studs decorating the neck line) and best of all , it was the perfect size.. It cost 62,000 naira ..

Imagine the disappointed feeling u get when u try on this dress ..looking and feeling like a million bucks and remember that you already bought the ill fitting, not-as-good-looking one … That disappointment is the same kind of disappointment girls who settled for “the best” in their various schools are going to feel when they come back home for summer and find out that their “best man”. Can’t get even a 6/10 in the real world x _x

A number of people that’ll read this post will be able to relate to this. It is what I like to call ” The crayfish syndrome” … You know the saying “na condition make crayfish bend” .. Well, in this case condition is the combination of school environment and the boys/ girls that you can select your “partner” from.

Things you realise when the scales fall from your eyes

#. Your guy / girl has an unacceptably teek igbo/ yoruba accent .. Complete wth “R” factor and “Z for S factor” eg pronouncind “sink” as “zinc”

#your guy/ girl isn’t very bright .. The kind of un-bright that’ll make you ensure they never meet your friends or if they do, you’ld have told ’em to act like they’ve got a sore throat so they won’t talk and embarrass your family

#your guy / girl ‘s dress sense is actually horrific .. You dint notice kuz they were “the best” but now that u’ve seen better humans you just want to put ur guy/ girl in a box and ship ’em to another continent.

These are a few of the things you realise .. Don’t want this post to be too long so I’m a wrap it up here .. I think the babe with the function shld rteturn the ill fitting dress and get the perfect one ..but is not so easy when it comes to people we’ve pledged our hearts to… What do u guys think? Anyone with any comments, other “realisations” or examples of people in cray fish-y situations can make ’em known. ๐Ÿ™‚

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last night 2

*clears throat* this is the conclusion of my previous post “last night” you should read it (if you havnt read it) before reading this.

As I walked into the dancing room, I braced myself for the worst ; some fat cellulite ridden thighs attached to some obese unattractive woman .. Possibly with tribal marks and wearing thick “logs” of false lashes to cover her eyes and the dark circles that sleek foundation could not cover … But I was wrong , well kind of ; cause there was actually one kind of like that but she wasn’t fat tho … She was the worst dancer there and had some sad imitation of rihanna’s hair cut on in the form of a darling Yaki weave *shudders* .. She had just one customer all night ; SAD.

The room was rectangular in shape .. With about 4/5 booths against the walls . In the centre of the room was a rectangular table with two poles that ran up to the ceiling. There was a pantless girl dancing on stage. But she was quite lame .. Just kept. Walking around the poles. And then I saw the guy I named the broke guy.
BROKE GUY
The broke guy is the guy who whenever a stripper is dancing on stage, goes to touch , well smack really hard, the stripper’s ass or grope her breasts and never actually tips her or pays for a lap dance or anything.. BG can never be spotted with money in his hands… The BG stood infront of the dancer and reached up to smack “stripper A’s” ass and tried fingering her too and that’s when stripper A got mad and said with a disgusted look on her face you ‘kent’ touch my pussy ..only if you want to put money x _x. .. So the broke guy laughed ,smacked her bum and went back to sit and watch. Stripper A’s dance finished soon after.. No one even moved to tip her .. Quite crappy.

Gold digger A
Gold digger A is a ho too .. Scantily clad in a black thing that’s supposed to be a dress but is ripped ( that’s the style) in so many places and is showing her bare bum (kuz hoes don’t wear underwear ๐Ÿ˜ ) .. GD A is actually kind of fine ; light skinned with DD-looking knockers but no bum. GD A was with a certain guy when we walked in and dint leave him until like an hour after we’d gotten there ( I presume he ran out of money) .. GD A laughed and flirted with this guy , let him touch her boobs (when he was going to stick money in her cleavage and other tight (supposed to be) places ๐Ÿ˜ ) . GD A even got mad when other customers tried to grope her when she was attending to her ‘special customer’ .. Sadly GD A left after ‘special. Customer 1’ ran out of money and he was left sitting there, looking sad as he watched her with a new ‘special customer’.

Weird Guy

WG sat in the booth next to ours. And kept staring at us and smiling..probably hoping one of us would feel his sweggz and come over to play with him .. HIAN ! .. O yh, when we entered the dancing room, weird guy’s friend was rubbing/ slapping his face against a yellow stripper’s bare bum :l ..I almost fell when I saw it *gags*

Married Couple</b

When we walked it, I saw , to my right, what appeared to be a married couple. ‘Enjoying’ a stripper.. Both the husband and wife smacked her ass and fondled her ‘goods’… The wife looked suspiciously over joyed .. After a while (I’m presuming the stripper got paid extra for this) , the stripper started dancing with the woman infront of the man as he rubbed them both and smiled like he’d just won the lottery .. This was one of the most unsettling sights ever .. The stripper was kind of manly looking , the wife had abit of a belly and just looked out of place and the man looked like your average pervert.

pierced Stripper
This is the last person I’m going to talk about .. PS as her name suggest pierced both her nipples and also her pum pum *shudders* .. ps is actually cute .. Had a fringe and wore boots … This was the person that made me realise women can lick their own breasts .. Well her breasts were small and looked kind of like fried eggs so I’m not surprised she could . PS was THICK in the bum and thigh region and still did tricks with the poles and all that .. She hung herself upside down ; holding the pole with just her legs .. I was awed .. About 3 people from just my booth tipped her .. And yh, BG of course went to grope her while she was dancing and dint tip her . *smh* sad goat.

Guess I’ll wrap it up here, the post is getting abit too long for my liking .. This is a summary of the things I saw at the strip club. Any comments shld be made known .. Thank you. X ๐Ÿ™‚

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Posted in summer | 26 Comments

last night

Hey guys.. I know I’ve been away for a long time ..I’m sorry .. It started off with writing my exams, loss of B.I.S and then loss of my blogging mojo .. God dey tho .. Hope you guys have been good.

Just wana say, to all those of you who spent ur last savings, down to the last kobo you were going to use to purchase a fancy gift to renew your concubine’s affection .. YOU’VE BEEN PUNKED .. The same people that predicted that rapture would happen today are ( to the best of my knowledge) christians and. ( To the best of my knowledge of the Holy Bible) God will come (rapture) like a theif in the night .. I dunno what kind of theif would come to rob a house when its owner is already aware of the impending robbery and wld have probably loaded guns (fasted) and informed the police ( be born again) or gotten wild dogs to take care of the job (prayed “MFM on steroids” style) .. So why did u go and have to chop that “hot dodo”. .. ( incase we don’t speak, I say “dodo” when someone tells a lie ..kind of my version of ” bull shit” .. And “hot dodo” is for when the lie is too teek to even be true)

Anyways, because I had filled up on “yakoyo” ‘s amala, ewedu and freshfish *takes moment to remember the deliciousness of that meal* and refused to eat the hot dodo that the phoney people were distributing , I went out last night. And no I did not spend the money I want to spend on my concubine (that money is still in one of my bags of underwear or hair accessories ๐Ÿ˜ ), for the first time ever, I went to a strip club in Nigeria. (No mum, I’m not a lesbian, I don’t like naked women .. It was for research and material for this blog …I pLomise ๐Ÿ˜ )

The strip club is actually situated in a residential area ( and ofcourse being a law student that studied for her ‘law of torts’ exam like she was on crack … Please notice the “like” , the first thing that came to my mind was that the neighbours could sue them for creating a nuisance .. I hate it when my brain works over time when I don’t need it to) .. Upon enetring the club, the first thing I saw was a huge picture ( you know how in cartoons, pictures fall on cartoon characters’ heads and knock out afew of their teeth, .. Well, imagine the kind of picture that would fall on the hulk .. Yep, it was that big ) of a topless pretty african woman with the smoothest and shiniest skin and fullest lips (in a sexy way o , not jay z-licious ๐Ÿ˜ ). Covering her nipples with her hands and I thought, “well this is going to be a night to remember” I walked past the lounge and into the place where the dancers were ‘working’ ….

(I shall blog details of what my eyes saw in the dancing room tomorrow :p .. Stay tuned)
If you’ve got anything to say, use the comment box (although for the life of me, I dunno what you can comment on in the post ) . X

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Literally?

So, like a month ago, I was skyping with my friend who is in UK and my school’s internet just had to kill the excitement of seeing someone that isn’t my school mate. You know those skype calls now.. *call* ……. *waiting for it to ring*…*No proxies found* .. After 3 times of trying, it finally rings *RING* *RING RING* *RI * he picks up*

Me: Hi elebizzle

Elebizzle: h .. Watsup.. You..fine? ..how doing

(internet connection was soooooooooooooooo crappy!!! Ugh!!! Damn you knust wifi !! Damn u to hell !!!!!! *shaking fist profusely* … *recomposes self*)

Me: -_- err, elebizzle, can’t hear you properly but I want to talk. So I guess we’ll have to type when we can’t hear anything we say.. Cool?

Elebizzle: huh? .. Dint really hear you
Me: *type what I said:

Elebizzle: sure

So we kept chatting and Elebizzle cracked a joke ..it was actually really funny … I LOL’ed in my head

Me: *typed* LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL you r soo silly bwahahaha

Elebizzle: err Nike, you know I can see you right ? And u dint even crack a smile

BUSTED

Me: *actually lol in real life* I’m so sorry elebizzle.. I actually laughed in my head ..it was really funny…. Totally forgot you could see me x_x

Elebizzle: *drake stare* -________-

This is just one of the mannnnnny mannnnny times I’ve said LOL or ROFLMAO and I actually dint even move to scratch my nose ..

Its even worse on twitter .. The fact is, we read too many funny tweets for us to be really moved by some jokes but we have to acknowledge the fact that its funny so we tweet lol ..
@braids: your face like obasanjos own @ weave-on rotflmao RT @braids: your face like obasanjo’s own ( by the way, @weave-on is sitting at her desk in her office so the most she can do is giggle)

I for one would have absolutely no presentable clothes and would probably have been taken to an assylum long ago if I literally did everything I said ( LMAO : laugh my ass off … LOL: laugh out loud ROTFL: Rolling on the floor laughing)

I can just imagine suddenly dropping to the floor and rolling while laughing right in the middle of a class .. Before I know it, prayer warriors will surround me with holywater and cane to beat “the evil spirit that is tormenting my soul” …

imagine a world where everyone lost their bums to laughter !! personally, I would never laugh if a bit of my ass fell off everytime I did ๐Ÿ˜ .

Ehen, biko, we need to solve this problem on twitter .. I, @admeon hereby declare by the powers vested in me that
1. “*dead*” should be used when you ” die” because something is funny … Not when a tweet is dry.

2.” #dead” should be used when a tweet is dry, boring or well… Dead

There! Don’t tell me I never did anything to better your tweeting experience … #TML

related phrases
LOL- laughing out loud
LMAO- laughing my ass off
ROTFL – rolling on the floor laughing
ROTFLMAO- rolling on the floor laughing my ass off
LWKMD- laugh wan kill me die
TML- Thank me later
TMI- too much information
YW- you are welcome
HBD- *invalid abbreviation* -________-
TBH- to be honest
K/ kk – okay
LWMMMWOS- laugh wan make me moon walk ontop sun ๐Ÿ˜

*random* I remember one time (of the mannny times) my uncle bbm’d me to ask me for the meaning of an abbreviation .. This one was “k , YW” .. The poor man was confused .. But as captain internet lingo (yes I’m a hero) I saved the day.

Comments, additional ‘ related phrases’ or embarrassing “caught not lol’ing situations” can be made known. X

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Inevitable

*SLAP* Yemi crashed to the ground as Wale’s third slap landed … Sobbing uncontrollably please stop!! ..I’m..sorry..don’t *SLAP* .Are you still talking ?!!! Did I tell you to talk !? Wale shouted as his menacing figure loomed over Yemi who was curled into a ball ; sobbing; bleeding; frightened for her life.

This was the third time Wale had beaten Yemi in their one and a half years of dating . She could remember the first time.. She was too shocked to move when he slapped her for calling her ex to wish him a happy birthday ; when she tried to leave , Wale had begged her;blaming the devil for losing his temper and swearing on everything he held sacred that it would not repeat itself. Yemi who believed that everyone deserved a second chance forgave him ; she had to stay in Wale’s house for 3 days to allow the swelling on her face go down.

After that, Wale was a complete angel ; fussing over her and catering to her every need. Until 7 months ago ; Wale came home late, reeking of alcohol and Yemi had asked him where he was coming from. HUGE MISTAKE. She could never forget the resounding slap that answered her question. Yemi raised her voice in protest ; BIGGER MISTAKE; the torrent of blows that came crashing down on her were not unlike those given in boxing matches . .. A busted upper lip, fractured cheek , broken rib and swollen face ; she was definitely done with wale.

After spending 2 weeks in the I.C.U , Yemi was free to go home. She had told her parents that she fell down a flight of stairs in her hostel ; she had only told Bisi her best friend the truth. EHN?!?! Wale did what?!?..I’m calling uncle Kunle.. *dialling her uncle who was a commanding officer in the arm* .m please don’t do that Bisi, I am done with Wale, he can’t hurt me again .. Let’s leave him for God .. *sigh*ok..if you do change your mind though, just say the word and Wale is dead.

Life was back to normal ; Yemi attended classes and all was well until 1 month later. Wale showed up unannounced at Yemi’s room. what do you want Wale?*arms akimbo* I’ve come to beg for your forgiveness and work to earn your trust and love back .. you must be joking Wale.. Abi nkan nkan she ori e ni ? Omo ale ni e ko de le da fun e (is something wrong with your head? You are a bastard and it can never be well with you) *Slams door in Wale’s face*

After 6 months of wooing and showering Yemi with presents and affection ; clothes , shoes, bags, whiteBerry ; and proper behaviour , Yemi decided to give Wale a chance again. When Yemi told Bisi she had gotten back with Wale, the two had a major falling out.. Bisi had told her, had warned her ..and now..

Here we are again…

There is a saying/statement my history lecturer that looks like M.I (yes, I have a lecturer that looks like m.I .. Short, black , wears all black down to the black shades in class..don’t ask why) made ..If there is one thing we learn from history,its that we do not learn from history

This is abit of a spin off of “selective blindness” and its also based on the true stories of about 3 girls I know. If you, ur sister, friend or anyone you are close to is in such a situation, “call uncle Kunle” before its too late.
Comments, opinions and views can be made known…I’d be grateful if someone could also explain why women stay in such relationships / situations because I do not understand. If its possible for you to give him a good smacking back one day (like the woman in @jcphoenixx’s blog) .. Then why not …hehe

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