New life

So, i might’ve failed to take my own advice about not procrastinating. However, it was with good reason… I was busy making big life changes and trying to survive in a village infested with ninja mosquitoes and mutant rats that make you question every single thing you’ve ever known to be true.

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I feel like sharing one or two things about this village I am currently residing in. Firstly, the assorted accents I have heard around the commoners of the village.

Now, like Lagos state, this village is filled with immigrants from all over trying to make it; and out of fear of being deemed as irrelevant or need to re-invent themselves, some people speak with accents that can make mosquitoes crash into walls… As per the accents will scramble the mosquitoes’ sense of direction.. It is that bad.

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The ones that went to England when they were 24 after spending all their lives in Nigeria speaking Yoruba like that ijesha guy on Seyishay’s irawo song,and spent just 3 years surrounded by fellow deep-Yoruba speakers in England are in this my village speaking like (in the wise words of my friend, omoge ileya) they tried to download the accent but NEPA took the light at 30% and they were using “television laptops”- those laptops that the batteries have died and ascended into the heavens so as soon as the power goes, they go off. (My laptop is a tv with a 2ndhand UPS but lets not go into that now). Mr. A will stand up and try to ask a question with “bri’ish”‘ accent but will give us like 6 ‘h factor’ knockout combos in quick succession. Why evuz?!

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Another issue is how literally no guy was in a relationship before he migrated to this village. 😒😒😒 (for those who can’t see the smiley, it is a thoroughly unimpressed “bitch please” look).

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The tall, short, dark, fair and inbetweeners all magically aren’t in a committed relationship as soon as the cross into the village; perhaps there is a magical phenomenon I am unaware of that kills guy’s girlfriends or gives guys some special selective amnesia ¯\..(•͡.̮ •͡ )../¯
The ones that wear wedding bands too are single o; make no mistake. This magical “girlfriend killer” also kills wives, fiancées, baby mamas and mistresses.

So this is a public announcement to all females who have boyfriends, fiances, and baby daddies in my village, come and claim your men if you still want them o!

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It would be best if you come in person ; but if you can’t, call him at 4pm when he is likely to be at the village market (this is a popular place for meeting and mate-selection in the village) or at 8pm when he is likely to be at the happening spot for the villagers called “The Top” and force him to say “I love you, my girlfriend” or “I am so glad I’m married to you, my wife”;

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Just make sure he mentions your position in his life so that the village belles stay away from your man or at least are made aware of your presence. If possible, tell him to pass the phone round so you can say hi to his friends; this is when you are skyping or facetiming of course, so he doesn’t skip the village maiden next to him when he is passing the phone round to his fellow amnesia-having buddies.

This is all I’m going to post about my new village for now; watch out for part two

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This entry was posted in random, Rants, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to New life

  1. 0latoxic says:

    We aff meez yew so mush. Tenk yew for blezzing hus wit dis lovely post. Hopes yew post again soonest. :p

  2. AB says:

    Lmaoooo Nike!
    Check in more often!
    Have fun in B-town!! :p

  3. Mcbeechee says:

    Ahhhhh are you still alive and single?
    Have you been taken by the villagers yet?lool
    Your descritions made me laugh

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